To build trust with families and the community, school leaders have to prove they’re listening—by asking better questions and creating real two-way communication, not one-way updates. Bestselling author Charles Duhigg shares practical ways superintendents and school communicators can engage families, navigate skepticism, find common ground, and communicate effectively online.

When I read Charles Duhigg’s 2024 hit Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection, my first instinct was to recommend it to everyone I knew. But part of me also wanted to hide the book from everyone—so it wouldn’t be so obvious that I was stealing all his ideas. 

Duhigg, a Pulitzer Prize winner and New York Times bestselling author, is most known for writing books such as The Power of Habit and Smarter Faster Better. In Supercommunicators, he explores the skills that make some people much better communicators than others. Drawing on research and real stories, Duhigg outlines three types of conversations “supercommunicators” must master: practical, emotional and social. He explains how to identify the type of conversation you’re having and ways to adjust how you listen and respond accordingly. Duhigg doesn’t pull back from the hard conversations, either—something that many school leaders will appreciate. 

Obviously, I didn’t keep the book a secret. I’ve since led several Apptegy book clubs on Supercommunicators, and it’s always a hit with members. Recently, I sat down with Duhigg to ask him questions submitted by our book club members—and to find out how supercommunicators can help school districts better connect with their communities.

Students are more successful when their families have strong ties to their schools. How can school leaders engage families more effectively?

The first thing that school leaders need to know is what they want to say. It's very hard to be proactive if you're not certain what message you want to get across. And that message shouldn’t be as vague as something like, “Your students are doing okay”; it has to be specific. It has to show that you're thinking about what the parents are thinking about, that you understand their anxieties and that you’re listening. 

For communication to happen, it’s essential that there’s a two-way exchange. If one side isn’t listening, it stops being effective. For example, I’m a parent of a child in public schools, and my child’s school likes to send surveys. The first couple of times I got them, I filled them out with all my thoughts and feedback—but then, nothing changed. I never saw any sign that the school was listening to my feedback, so I stopped doing the surveys. It seemed like they were doing them just to say that they had done them, not because they actually cared what I thought. 

If you want to draw people in, you really have to prove to them that you're listening. With any bureaucracy, it is natural for anyone outside of it to fear that they’re not being listened to or even considered at all. Families want evidence that you're paying attention, that you're hearing what they’re saying, that you can see things from their perspectives. That's where the most powerful moments of connection lie.

So how do you actually prove you’re listening? You start by engaging directly with your audience. What’s great is that, as communicators, we don’t have to be mind readers. We don't have to guess at what this person wants to talk about. We can just ask them, “What's important to you? Are you hearing enough from us on this or on that?” Not only does that help you communicate with them, but it also proves that you want to communicate with them and are willing to do so on their terms. 

How can school leaders begin to navigate families’ skepticism or trust issues?

What's really interesting is that a lot of the skepticism around public schools shares the same root as one of the examples I use in my book—a pediatrician who is tasked with talking to families about vaccinating their children. These days, there is a lot more skepticism of both institutions and experts than there used to be. Families are thinking, Why should I trust you? Just because you have an M.D. behind your name? I think that's true for education, too. Superintendents and other educators come in with their expertise, but now parents are saying, “My kid lives at home with me. I see them all the time. I'm more of an expert on my kid than you are.” 

Oftentimes as physicians, as superintendents, as teachers, we think people expect us to have all the answers. But one of the most powerful things you can do is say, “Actually, I don't have an answer to this yet. I want to work with you to figure it out, because you have some insights that I could learn from and I have some insights you could learn from.” That's how we end up having a real conversation.

Public education has become much more politicized in recent years. How can school leaders build common ground?

Depoliticizing these conversations is all about asking the right questions. When working with people with a variety of viewpoints and values, you need to ask the deep kind of questions—ones that ask people to talk about their values, beliefs and experiences. 

Think of it this way. When we have conversations, even political conversations, it’s easy to frame our beliefs around ideas like “I'm right and you're wrong,” or “My guy's better than your guy.” Instead we can say something like, “Look, it seems like this is something that's really important to you. Can you tell me a little bit about your values? Why is this such a priority for you?”  

Now, we're not talking about who's right and who's wrong. We're talking about understanding each other—and that's much more powerful.

So much of our communication these days is virtual. How can we have deep and meaningful conversations online?

Virtual communication is still really new in the grand scheme of things, and I think we can learn a lot from how long it took telephone communication to take off. When telephones first became popular about a hundred years ago, there were all these articles saying that no one would ever have a real conversation on the phone—because up until then, almost all conversations had happened face-to-face. What's interesting is that they were actually right, at least at first. People did not know how to use telephones yet. They had to adjust.

Now, we have plenty of conversations on the phone, and they're just as deep as those we might have face-to-face. Part of that is because we’ve developed all of these practices we incorporate into how we talk on the phone. Without knowing it, when we’re on the phone, we’ll over-enunciate our words. We'll put more emotion into our voices. 

In a similar way, because it’s relatively new, we’re still figuring out how to make virtual communication as comfortable and meaningful as face-to-face conversations. Over email or text, we can’t rely on tone or body language, for instance. But beyond that, the same basic principles should apply—having a conversation online shouldn't be that different from having a conversation face-to-face. Are you asking questions? Are you proving that you're listening? Are you trying to figure out what kind of mindset this person is in? Are you matching them or inviting them to match you? Sticking to those principles will serve you no matter what.

Many leaders find communication to be one of the most stressful parts of their jobs. What is the best first step they can take toward becoming supercommunicators?

Learn to ask those deep questions about values, beliefs or experiences. That can sound a little intimidating, but it's simple. For example, if you meet a doctor, don’t just ask them what hospital they work at. Ask what made them decide to go to medical school. That second question invites them to tell you something not just about what they do, but about who they are. 

That's one of the most important things that people can carry away from this: understanding what deep questions are, how to ask them and how to prove that you're listening. If you do that, you're already a long way toward becoming a supercommunicator.